Separating, divorce; how do I know when to separate ...and then what?

Separating: How Do I Know—And Now What?

Separation and divorce sucks.

Leaving a long-term partner or spouse is enormous. The decision to move away from your person is deeply difficult and oftentimes overwhelming. There are so many questions you ask yourself.

Is this the right thing for me—and for them?It might feel strange to make a choice not just for yourself, but for everyone in the relationship, including any children. Reflecting on what’s best for your family, your partner, and you can feel soul-crushing.

One of the first questions I asked myself was:Am I happy with who I am in this relationship? Am I proud of how I behave here?It’s such an important reflection. It’s not about the person you wake up next to every day—it’s about you. Am I being the best version of myself in this relationship? Do I ask questions, check in, say and show that I love them?

Sometimes people can’t see or receive the way we express love, but it’s our responsibility to be curious and communicate with them—to understand how they feel loved.

To separate or not to separate

How Do You Know When It’s Time to Separate?

Esther Perel once said, “You know it’s time when staying is harder than leaving.” I agree.

Being with the person becomes more painful than being without them—even when there is still love. Arguments become frequent. Conflict is constant. There might be unresolved issues that don’t necessarily need fixing, but if there’s no movement towards repair, no attempt to grow together, things begin to decay.

You start walking on eggshells, afraid to make them angry or sad. Joy shrinks. Contentment feels out of reach. I’ve heard people say they avoid their partner by working late, staying longer at the gym, or even sitting in the car park just to delay walking in the door.

When fear, anger, and sadness become the everyday norm—maybe that’s a sign it’s time to go.

The Financial Fear

The decision to separate is rarely just emotional—it’s practical, too. Property, money, pensions… they carry weight. You might ask: How will we divide everything? What does this mean for my future?

You worked for this life together, and now it feels like it’s being torn apart. Even in amicable separations, someone often ends up more impacted financially. Giving up financial stability, pensions, and a familiar lifestyle can leave you feeling exposed and unsafe. It often feels deeply unfair.

The Emotional Earthquake

Separation stirs up ancient fears. I had vivid images of myself in a dark, empty room—alone forever. I imagined a life without meaning, without light. My unconscious mind whispered that I wouldn’t survive without them.

The grief was overwhelming. Not just for the person—but for the stories, the moments, the dreams, the imagined future. All gone.

What About the Kids?

Children complicate the decision. You ask yourself: Is this best for them? Should I stay for the children?

Yes, two-parent homes can offer stability. But staying together in a relationship devoid of love, kindness, or emotional safety can carry its own risks. Children often sense when love has faded. They can internalise that emptiness. It can shape their capacity for intimacy and connection later in life.

There’s no single right answer. Sometimes what’s best for you and what’s best for others won’t align—and that’s okay.

Letting Go of the Fear

Separation will change your life. But that bleak, colourless image I held of my future? It wasn’t real. It was a mix of fear, old wounds, and family expectations. I had underestimated my own resources—my capacity to rebuild, to feel joy again, to thrive.

Beginning Again

There are many ways to move on from a relationship. Sometimes it’s about learning something new. Sometimes it’s about going back to the basics.

Surround yourself with people who care about you. Even if it feels like you don’t have anyone, that might be your brain protecting you from further pain. You’re not as alone as you think.

Start where you are:

• Reconnect with old friends

• Begin therapy @ivomarquestherapy

• Join a gym, dance class, boxing, or any activity you used to love

• Focus on small acts of healing: paint a chair, build a Lego set, start a new language

They seem small, but they are powerful reminders that you can build again.

Explore your thoughts, fears and expectations with me @ivomarquestherapy in Clifton Village, Bristol.You’re not alone—and you’re more capable than you realise.

You'll find someone else, great for you, more than you imagine.