Disconnection from the Self Explained - Relational trauma

Trauma is Disconnection — From the Self

Relational Trauma

“The essence of trauma is not what happens to you. It’s what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” — Gabor Maté

We often think of trauma as a massive event — something huge that happened. However, trauma is not the event itself. It’s the wound that remains and lingers. And that wound is, at its heart, a disconnection — most hurtful and painful, from the self.

Let me break it down.

When we’re born, we are born open. We cry when we’re hungry. We laugh when we’re delighted. We rage when we’re hurt. There’s no socialization yet — only raw, honest being and needs.

However, if we grow up in an environment where a few emotions aren’t welcome — where anger gets punished, sadness is ignored, or excitement is “too much” — then we learn, very early, that different parts of us are unacceptable.

So, we hide them, we stop crying, suppress the anger, shove it down. We tone ourselves down like making ourselves small or invisible.

Not due to being manipulative or dramatic — but because our attachment depends on it. A child will always choose connection over authenticity. We think losing the relationship is too dangerous and we do everything to stay in them. To survive.

Disconnected-Releational trauma

What’s Left Behind

When we disconnect from our feelings, from ourselves, we also disconnect from our body — from instinct, from intuition, from the parts of us that knows what we need. Oftentimes, we start to look at external information and begin to live from it. We ask, “What do they want from me?” What’s safe to feel here?  Who do I need to be in this relationship?”

This develops an internal conflict, where at the surface level, we might seem ok — even high-functioning. However, we feel lost, disconnected, exhausted and depleted. A stranger to ourselves. Like we don’t know who we are.

Relational trauma doesn’t just hurt us emotionally — it exiles us from ourselves.

 

Signs of Disconnection From the Self

Oftentimes feel empty or numb, especially in moments that "should" feel joyful.

We look to others to tell you how you feel — unsure of your own emotions or needs, so we look for external recognition to how we feel. We say “yes” when you mean “no,” just to avoid conflict or discomfort or feeling an emotion. You feel like you’re performing in relationships, not really you. You may long for deep connection, but don’t know how to make space to be seen.

If any of these resonate, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your protective system has learned that showing up fully isn’t safe. And it’s trying to protect you.

Reconnection is the Healing

Healing isn’t about fixing ourselves. It’s about returning to what was lost. It’s about remembering — gently, slowly — that your feelings make sense. That your body is wise. That your truth matters. It’s about exploring different parts of us with compassion and nurture.

We heal when we reconnect:

To our emotions, not just our thoughts, to different body signal and sensations and not what to-do list we create. To our inner child — the one who still longs to be seen, heard, chosen and held with tenderness and love.

 

Can you slow down, just for a moment?

Place a hand on your chest or belly. Take a slow breath. Ask yourself, quietly: What am I feeling right now? And then, what do I need?

You don’t have to act on it yet. Just begin the conversation. Notice what is happening to your body. That’s how we can start the process of healing.

Remember that disconnection was a strategy. A way we could find to be in an environment that wasn’t emotionally safe.Reconnection is your birthright. Take it.

And the more you return to yourself — even in small, gentle ways — the more whole, alive, and deeply connected you’ll feel. You’ve never lost yourself. You’re there, you need to uncover all the survival mechanism you’ve created to be ok. You’re there, waiting. listening. trusting that one day, you’d come back.

Take a chance to reconnect with yourself @ivomarquestherapy.com

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