Surviving Relationship Trauma

Trauma It’s Not What Happened — It’s What Didn’t Happen

Relational Trauma

“The essence of trauma

Trauma in relationships

is disconnection from the self. And the essence of healing is not fixing ourselves, but reconnecting.” — Gabor Maté

When people think of trauma, they oftentimes imagine big, dramatic events — the stuff of headlines and tragedies and hospital rooms. However, the most enduring wounds are often quiet. Invisible. Shaped not by violence, but by the slow absence of presence or neglect.

Relational trauma isn’t always what was done to us — it’s often what wasn’t.The parent who didn’t look up when we cried, didn’t ask if you ok or "kissed your knee better". The primary parent or caregiver who met our physical needs but not our emotional ones.The absence of someone’s lighting up their eyes when we entered the room.

In early childhood, we depend entirely on connection for survival — not just physically, but emotionally. Our sense of self is built in the mirror of another’s gaze. When that look is absent, harsh, or inconsistent, something foundational is shaken.

To survive, we learn to adapt. We become good at it. The adaptation can look like becoming quiet, withdrawn, and or avoidant. We become overhelpful, funny, invisible, overachieving — anything that will keep the attachment intact. But at a cost: we start to leave ourselves behind, avoiding getting our needs met, become over independent or abandon ourselves.

And because these wounds are formed in the space of relationship, they’re hard to name. There are no bruises. No obvious scars. Just a vague emptiness, a chronic sense of “something’s missing,” or the ache of disconnection that haunts even the happiest moments.

Relational trauma is the trauma of what didn’t happen:

• Not being soothed when afraid.

• Not being seen when we were joyful.

• Not being allowed to feel anger, sadness, or vulnerability without it threatening the relationship.

Overtime, we may introject messages as “I am too much.” “My needs are a burden.” “I shouldn’t get what I want/ need” and “If I show myself, I will be rejected or abandoned.

So we abandon parts of ourselves to stay safe. And that split — that quiet leaving of the self — is the trauma.

A Gentle Reflection:

Pause for a moment. Let your body speak.

• Were there moments in your childhood where you needed comfort and it didn’t come?

• Did you feel seen, truly seen, in your emotional truth?

• Were certain feelings welcomed while others were silenced?

This is not about blaming our parents or caregivers. Most did the best they could, often carrying their own unresolved trauma. This is about noticing and naming what was missing — so we can begin to reclaim it and heal.

 

Healing Begins with Recognition

When we name what didn’t happen, we stop gaslighting ourselves. We stop minimizing our pain. We begin to understand why certain relationships trigger panic, why loneliness feels like abandonment, or why we’ve spent years trying to be “good enough” for love.

Healing is not about going back to fix the past. It’s about grieving what we didn’t receive — and offering it to ourselves, and one another, now.

You deserved to be seen. You deserved to be soothed. You deserved to be safe in your full emotional truth.

And it’s not too late.