Surviving relational trauma by adapting

Children don’t get traumatized because they’re hurt. They get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt.” — Gabor Maté

Every child is wired to seek closeness and attach to a parental figure. It’s not a want, it’s a need — as essential as air or food. When something threatens that connection — emotional neglect, parental stress, disapproval, or silence — a child will do anything to preserve the bond and connection.

Even if it means abandoning different parts of themselves.

We adapt to survive.

We may become agreeable, so we don’t provoke anger.

We become funny, so we can distract from discomfort.

We may become quiet, so we’re not a burden.

We become the helper, rescuer, the achiever, the “easy one,” the fixer or the one without needs.

These ways of being aren’t random — they’re strategies. Strategies to keep love close and pain far. And at the time, they’re life-saving. The child who pushes their feelings down isn’t being dramatic; they’re being really intelligent and proactive.

However, these survival adaptation heps us when we were young, what once kept us safe becomes the very thing that traps us later.

The Prison of Adaptation

As adults, we often don’t realize we’re still adapting. We think we’re just “bad at boundaries.”

Or we wonder how come we can’t feel joy, why we overthink every interaction, why intimacy terrifies us.

But underneath, these are the same childhood adaptations, now turned rigid.

We’re still scanning for disapproval.

Still shrinking ourselves to stay loved.

Still confusing self-abandonment with safety.

What once served us now becomes unhealthy.

And worse — these patterns are often praised by the culture around us. Discounting ourselves, try hard, always there for others. We might even build entire identities around our adaptations, not knowing they were born from a place of fear and unmet needs.

What If You Were Never Broken?

Here’s something radical:

You are not broken.

You never were.

Your “issues” — your fear, people-pleasing, numbness, rage — are not signs of failure. They are signs of intelligence. They are your body and brain doing their best to keep you safe in a world that once felt unsafe.

Compassion is the starting point. Not change.

Before we try to “fix” anything, we must understand:

These patterns were born in pain.

They deserve our tenderness and nurture.

A Reflection to experience:

What roles did you take on in childhood to feel safe or loved?

Who did you have to become?

And what parts of yourself did you leave behind?

Let these questions settle. There’s no rush to answer. Just notice what arises.

From Survival to Choice

The beauty of awareness is that it brings choice.

When we recognize an adaptation, we can begin to soften it.

We can begin to say:

“I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

“I can say no and still be safe.”

“I can be messy and still be worthy.”

What began as survival mechanism may become a path home — to your wholeness, your needs, your truth.

You adapted because you had to so

Now you get to choose who you want to be.

To explore your different ways od adapting, and find a new way of relating press the buttom below or find more at ivomarquestherapy.com

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