Am I trauma bonded?

See signs of trauma bonding with Ivo Marques Therapy in Clifton

Trauma bonding is a deeply human response to unmet needs, shaped in early relational wounds.

When we speak of trauma, we are not merely speaking of what happened to us. Trauma is not the event — it is what happens inside us as a result of what happened. It is the disconnection from ourselves that arises when we are not seen, not held, or are hurt by those we depended on most. (Gabor Mate)

Experiences from Trauma Bonding

Signs of trauma bonding:

Your relationship seem addictive - even if it hurts

The nervous system clings to what it knows, not what is good for it. The pain becomes familiar, and familiarity can masquerade as safety.

Love becomes confusion when we mistake intensity for intimacy. You may long for closeness, yet feel more alone when together than when apart — and still, you stay.

You rationalise or minimize mistreatment.

As children, we couldn’t afford to believe our caregivers were unsafe. So we learned to doubt ourselves instead. That adaptation continues in adulthood: “It wasn’t that bad.” or “I had a great childhood”

As we had to adapt to our primary caregivers, we create a story of fantasy that could keep us safe and we use this adaption in our adulthood relationships. Where we say our partners are just tired and moody rather than “they’re mistreating us”

You feel anxious when they pull away, and relieved when they return.

This is the epitome of inconsistent caregiving. You become emotionally hypervigilant— you wait for the next wave of safety, the next apology, the next moment of tenderness. Where you become deregulated and in adulthood, we think our partner is the only one who can help with the regulation and sense of calmness.

This cycle of withdrawal and re-connection seems like passion, but it’s not. This is survival, it’s the nervous system looking for security but it never really finds it.

Trauma bonding is a deeply human response to unmet needs, shaped in early relational wounds. Where in childhood it was easier to attach to primary carer who was either inconsistent, abusive, or neglectful.

Use bondage not trauma bonding

Work in your relationship and for a healthy bond in your relationship with Ivo Marques therapy in Clifton, Bristol